About those teenagers ...

All the legislatin' earlier this week has me thinking about a main argument of those against raising Alabama's 6-percent alcohol-by-volume limit for beer. Teenagers, they say, will get their hands on gourmet beers and guzzle them down like Kool-Aid, leading to Lord-knows-what type of other dangerous behavior.

First off, I'm not sure why other people's inability to keep their children from breaking the law should limit my choice of legal adult beverages. But given that some teens do wind up drinking beer, I'll entertain the following question: Are kids gonna to flock to higher-alcohol gourmet brews if they become legal in Alabama? The answer: not likely, because while they may be dumb, most teenagers aren't stupid.

Let's say I'm a 17-year-old with nothing constructive to do on Friday night. I've got $12 in my pocket, and an older sister who's willing to pop into the local convenience store to pick up something for me and three buddies to party with. Let's also say it's 2009, and last year the Legislature saw fit to raise the allowed ABV limit to 13.9 percent (this could happen) and distributors are now stocking America's finest craft beers in every corner store (I wish, but don't count on it), including the gas station where my sister will be buying the beer.

I know that the station stocks at least these two beers: 24-can cases of Natural Light, and four-bottle packs of Dogfish Head 90 Minute India Pale Ale. Both cost between $9 and $12. Which do I tell my sister to buy? Let's analyze:

24 12-ounce cans of Natural Light at 4.2 percent alcohol by volume (according to BeerAdvocate.com). That's six for me, and six for each of my friends. Or four 12-ounce bottles of the 90 Minute, at 9 percent ABV. That's one bottle for each of us.

If we're really planning to party I'll tell her to buy the Natty Light, won't I? One bottle of beer each won't fuel a fiesta for very long, after all, compared to the full six-pack apiece we'd get with the regular stuff.

But what if we're taken in by the label on the Dogfish Head, with its alluring mention of more alcohol? At 9 percent ABV, the four 12-ounce bottles contain a total of 4.32 ounces of alcohol. My buddies and I will sip 1.08 ounces of alcohol each, assuming the IPA's super-bitter taste doesn't make us spit it right back out.

By contrast, if sis gets us the Natty, at the much-lower 4.2 percent ABV, there's 12.096 ounces of alcohol in the entire case. My friends and I each drink 3.024 ounces of alcohol as we chug down our six light, "easy-to-drink" brewskis.

That's right. We wind up with three times as much alcohol in our systems drinking the "low-alcohol" Natural Light as we would with the "high-alcohol" 90 Minute IPA, for around the same price.

Now, I hope Alabama's parents can find a way to teach their children responsible behavior, including waiting until they're old enough to consume alcohol. But assuming those parents need the government's help keeping kids away from beer, it's not the expensive, hard-to-find, high-alcohol gourmet craft brews I'd be worried about. Of course, it's already illegal for kids to buy alcohol, and they're doing it anyway. I'm not sure how making it illegal for adults to buy the beer they like makes kids any safer.